So let go , let go

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September 4, 2008 - Thursday

04.
Current mood:

geeky

I have such a huge genuine smile in the picture that is on my screen right now and I hate that I know that is really ME. We are ALL at our best when we are happy and carefree. I am struggling with so much bs that I have brought into my life and now that I'm no longer drawn to pain or self destruction it's just frustrating trying to work through it all. I love everyone, I really do. I am MOST critical of those who I truly believe in so if I come across as judgmental or condescending its because I know you are made for better."I love the way you call me baby and you take me the way I am."Can't WAIT to feel like that again." Falling in love is extrememly painful , yet we do it because NOTHING makes us feel so GOOD"I'm out of green.It helps me free my mind.So does GOD.I've been so lost without you.You are real.Religion is man made hype that is full of hatred but God is love.And love is all we have.And this is the first time I've been tipsy in a while and I'm not going to apologize to anybody who thinks they know whats best for me.You Don't. Take a walk inside my mind and tell me you don't understand why I need to escape now and then.I SEE it ALL.I see things you can't even imagine.I feel too deeply and think too much.But I will use this to my advantage.Just because I am " sweet natured" does not been I deserve to be walked all over. I'm moving downtown in October. I'm getting excited. I'm never scared of this city like people think I should be. I'm used to. I was raised here pretty much. It's not for the weak but the fucked up element has just made me stronger.I could write a book on the unjust, insane ideas that flow through this small big city on the mississippi but thats another day and time. It's home and I will never leave untill I decided where I'd rather be. "We were meant to live for so much more" I just want to make a difference in life. Its in my blood,to help. I will find away , if it means going back to school, so be it. That is all . ramble , ramble. the end.

9:45 AM

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September 1, 2008 - Monday

03.
Current mood:

amused

Do yourself a favor,do not just brush astrology off untill you do your reseach. I do NOT believe in daily horoscopes, they are far too broad and could be any random persons reality on any given day. I have never felt anything describe the deeper side to me more than this though. I almost feel like it could be written about me. If you are a Scorpio, maybe you already know as much as I know about it but if not you should pay close attention. Hopefully this will also help those that don't quite "get me" out a little bit more. I do tend to have intense relationships with other scorpios often, we seem to seek each other out because we are'nt that common.Fucking love it.

We Own.

The Scorpio represents one of the strongest, most intelligent signs of the zodiac. He or she has a deep well of strength that, if tapped into, can produce a powerful ally, or a vindictive enemy. A huge abundance of energy usually makes this person a powerful achiever and go-getter; the Scorpio is not lazy. Though their worst fault is jealousy, in all arenas, they also have the power within to turn this around and DO something about it.

Above all, the Scorpio represents the Phoenix, that ancient symbol of death and resurrection from the ashes of youth, that fire that never dies but merely rises above and continues to change into something else. An argument is not merely an argument to a Scorpio, nor is it a chance to butt heads, but rather an experience of expressing and listening so that both participants can "rise above" and come out in a better position than when they began.

Scorpios have an uncanny ability to get to the root of any problem, and they have a rawness of perception that makes them almost psychic. Their deep, incisive analytical mind makes them natural detectives or spies, and they are frequently workaholics, cramming each work day with hours of productiveness. They are excellent, relentless workers and excel in anything involving the Eighth House: trusts and inheritances, mortuaries, psychology and counseling, and the occult. They are masters at using other people's money to build their own fortunes, and can be extravagantly generous to charities or other worthy causes.

The mystery sign of the zodiac, Scorpios are frequently intriguing, with a truly dynamic and majestic way of going about a problem or situation. This sign is also the sign of death, but manifests itself in the struggle between the soul and the personality. The personality is usually the loser, because the Scorpio's stinger many times stings itself to death. This is where the Phoenix comes in--to resurrect the person to new heights, a new beginning, or a new way of thinking.

Thus, change is constant for a Scorpio, who is involved all the time in death, rebirth and renewal. For the Scorpio, there is no in-between--life is many times a matter of life and death, black and white, devil vs. angel, etc. They don't know the meaning of indifference, and tend to be either your friend or your enemy. There is no shade of gray. Once you've gained the trust of a Scorpio, you've won him forever--unless you hurt him in some way. Then he can become mean, vindictive, and will attempt to get even.

Scorpios have a very strong reserve, and a lot is hidden below the surface. They command respect from acquaintances due to their strong, quiet exterior, and many times work to earn the respect of close ties. They also usually show a lot of creativity, and a great ability for sarcasm with their deadly tongue, which can get them in trouble. This stinger can also, for some, show as a dark side of cruelty, sadism, and enmity. For others, who are more evolved, the stinger helps them transform their lives for the better. They are truly courageous, not afraid of anything. Their endurance makes them plow ahead, overcoming any obstacle in their path.

Though they are considered the "sexiest" sign of the zodiac, Scorpios have gotten a bad rap for being almost sleazy. They simply have strong passions that need regenerating, and a tremendous pride that seems to say, "Don't judge a book by its cover."

Scorpios are a master at hiding their emotions. They have a tremendous strength and power when they have managed to rise above their personality and seek power not for themselves, but to heal and bless others. They reach their goals through service, purity, compassion and humility. They have a need to redeem and transform their natures, and to have a happy marriage. Their innate curiosity makes them probe deeply into all things, seeking the meaning behind the surface. They dig out concealed facts, and are one of the most intuitive signs of the zodiac. A highly evolved Scorpio is psychic, having a rich inner life that is passionate about metaphysics.

On the negative side, Scorpios can be extremely critical, like their allies the Virgos. This can lead to a difficulty with co-workers because of strong judgments of them. Scorpios need to have more stability and steadiness with partners. Their great stubbornness makes them sometimes outsiders, tending to be lone wolves rather than equal partners in relationships.

A Scorpio woman turns heads and grabs attention by her steamy sexuality. She has the power of presence, and a boldness and need for honesty unparalleled in the zodiac. Never, never lie to her, or she'll cut you off. A passionate lover, she can also be jealous or possessive. What she shows on the outside is not necessarily what she's really feeling, unless she's angry. Her rage can explode, with a sarcasm or a piercing look that really stings. Her intuition can be so developed that she borders on the clairvoyant; this can be seen in her eyes. As a mother, she is fiercely devoted and protective, creating a loving and comfortable home for kids.

In romance, no other sign brings such raw power or intensity to a relationship. The question is: how will this intensity be manifested? Will it be in a fury or jealousy? Will it be in fiery, unbridled passion? Take a chance and get involved with the mysterious Scorpio.

Scorpios tend to have a few, very intense relationships, rather than a coterie of acquaintances. It may be that the Scorpio's stinger alienates some possible friends; it may be that fewer individuals are capable of flying so close to the sun, or so close to the deeper issues, as the Scorpio does. It may also be that few are capable of rising from its own ashes, of changing--for the good or bad--as a Scorpio can. How many can keep up, to view the new person constantly emerging? Yet it is true that those who enjoy watching the Scorpio as it makes people see the hidden, secret meanings of life--as it rises unscathed and transforms those around it--will be most loyal and appreciative friends.

Above all, Scorpios are survivors. Though they are typically very erotic (their sign rules the sex organs), they don't use people but instead help them transcend themselves. You probably won't forget an encounter with a Scorpio.

edit-The following can pretty much sum up how I am. I sometimes hate it and feel like a freak of nature but it takes a LONG time for me to truly allow anyone close to me.I get the feeling sometimes people take this personally or just write me off as a stuck up bitch.I usually do like just about everyone I meet but can't let my guard down so easily.I am far too cautious.BUT If you have patience and are understanding and trustworthy we will be cool.

6:38 AM

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August 19, 2008 - Tuesday

02.
Current mood:

complacent

ByeBye BlackBetty.

You will be missed. You were the best Honda Accord Lx a girl could ask for.We went through a lot together. You had been a mess this past year, starting to fall apart in different ways but then again the apple does'nt fall far from the tree. Ok the percacets are making me a bit to silly here.In all seriousness I can honestly say I am gratful to be alive and kicking. I got out of the Med after 12 wonderful hours and just sat there, looked around and up at the clouds and said THANKYOU. I probably don't deserve all the chances I get. I take chances with my life everyday, for what reason? I am now a firm advacate against drinking and driving. I always ignored my friends who tried to help, to take my keys or give me rides home. I am a stubborn ass who has to learn everything the hard way.

With so much drama in the LBC it's kinda hard being Snoop D O double G.I've lost my train of thought, I swear the head injury has made me all loopy. When I was talking to the insurance agent I kept reading numbers backwards, like I'm suddenly dyslexic. The point of this was just to warn anyone out there who does'nt already get it, you can't keep taking chances and expect them to never bite you in the ass. I am glad that I either passed out/ was knocked unconcsious on impact because the whole sitaution would be a lot more tramatic. I don't do well with blood and I was covered it. Right now my right eye won't open all the way because its so swollen and I had to get 20 stiches under my eye brow. Work should be interesting tomorrow. I'm just going to mess with the customers when they ask what happened. I could tell them I'm training to be in UFC .I know I'm not going to be like John Craig or any other stupid fucker who totals their car/gets a dui and continues down the same path. I know I'm a drunk. I realize working in a bar where free shots are readily available has its dangers but I also know THIS is not worth it. I'm just sick of everyone just writing me off as that girl. I can be sober, just be ME. I'm going to replace drinking with working out. It makes me feel SO much better anyway. I never even enjoy going out anymore. Much like a herion addict stops getting any pleasure from shooting up, it just becomes what you do. I am strong and I'm just over it. One arrest, a totaled car, and a DUI later I admit I have a problem.Not to mention the ruined friendships and relationships with many.I'm not well balanced enough to party AND have a productive life simultaneously . I can't go out, have a few drinks and have good time. I go out to get gone. I don't stop untill I'm black out drunk. I know in time when I get myself out of the grave I'm dug I can have the control to just have a few but for now, I'm calling it quits. Anyone know the number for AA?

edit- I do try to make lightly of any situation by joking but thats my way of coping. I'm in pain physically / mentally but I'm thankful for it. I feel I needed to be re-born. I KNOW I did. I've known I needed to change for so long, you ALL told me. All I've heard past few years is slow down. "your like the energizer bunny, you just don't stop" I hate to admit when others are right but you were. I ran and ran and ran untill literally BOOM. crash and burn. game over.

can't look back. never look back.

1:58 AM

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August 14, 2008 - Thursday

01.

NEVER deny your own instint. Everything I'm starting to understand is explained in a 311 song, really. That is besides the point. I have amazing judgment when it comes to people and their true intentions. We are ALL capable of good or evil.Everyone single one of us.It is all a choice.Sometimes somebody makes a mistake, but instead of forgiving themselves and learning a lesson from said mistake they continue to make the same choices over and over almost as a way to torture themselves. It seems we set ourselves up to be unhappy.

I have come to find we can only truly see ourselves through others eyes. I thank GOD for the people in my life who were placed there to make me take a hard look at myself. If it had to happen through hurt feelings and harse words, so be it. I learned that I never have to deny my own instincts about someone simply to be a "nice girl" If I know from the start a guy is just playing games, I should accept that and not get caught up in winning. There is NO prize for conquering another person. It can be done but in the end your just a fake-ass with nothing real to offer but your ability to take control over someone who you KNOW is weak. Its quite pathetic, actually.

Addiction has been a part of my vocabulary for too long. I'm learning, it does'nt really exist. Once you acknowledge that you are dependent on something/someone then you automatically have the power to fix that. Its just the knowing part that gets you. For me , I don't believe I am addicted to alcohol. I am maybe more dependent that necessary but only when I am choosing to run from my problems. I always know that I'm making a conscience choice to do so. I admit I am weak. I don't believe I have a problem, I question it only because others see that I drink often and place the label on me, without really knowing me. I'm strong, trust me. I just do what I want to do sometimes, I'm still growing.

I'm also learning our emotional addictions are just as addicting as chemical substances. You can so easily be addicted to a person, its sick. You can be addicted to pain. You can be addicted to sadness. Anything that makes you FEEL, good or bad you can become so addicted to that you seek out a source, even knowing it will get you nowhere.

We ARE complex creatures, whether you choose to see it or not. The mind is a powerful thing. Every single one of us are capable of SO much. Basically, we are choosing our lifes, making our own destiny. Whether or not you know it, the thoughts you have create your life. Think negative thoughts, you draw more negative experiences, you are asking for it. Its more than just karma, its your OWN creation. Its all becoming so clear.

and by the way, I DONT think I know it all or have the world figured out. I just know what I see, what I believe to be reality. its up to YOU to decided who you are or who you want to be.

goodnight.

4:13 AM

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Jun. 12th, 2009

2:23 AM

January 17, 2009 - Saturday

"people got me, got me questioning...."
Current mood:

calm

I am still in complete awe of the lastest news story in America. I definatly believe in miracles and this is nothing short of one. Looking at the picture of the pilot he seems to have something special behind his eyes. Maybe he knew as the plane went down that he had it all under control, he seems to be a very calm, collected person. Maybe that is the problem with most of us , we ASSUME the worse is going to happen. As far as news programs go, I do not watch them . When I am getting my daily dose of Oprah and the channel 5 news begins I quickly turn off the tv. I think the media infects our minds faster than bacteria. We as a community THRIVE off the murders, shootings, break-ins, car jackings, yada yada. It is all we expect to see on the local news so they continue to cover these storys day after day with little relief or good news in between. I have made it no secret how much this city brings me down but then I realize this is'nt special to just us . The whole WORLD is addicted to the drama, only attacted to things that'll you bring trama. To quote the Black Eyed Peas. Maybe we have given up , stopped believing in humanity and good will towards others. Not me. I know there are good people left.. and postive news storys to be told.

: )

2:57 PM

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January 15, 2009 - Thursday

what it is all about, really.
Current mood:

contemplative

Sometimes I am overwelmed by the love I have for my family.
Especially my little sisters, I think we may have a stronger bond than most siblings.
I can not focus on anything except my sister coming home from the hospital WITH her son. It is so heartbreaking. She got to hold him for an hour today but we just want to figure out what is wrong and how to make him better.
When she was in labor and I would hear her scream from down the hall I had this strong instinct to jump up and run down the hall and stop whoever was hurting her. It was a really strong instinct that I have never felt before. She was of course, just in pain and was soon fine but it was scary the scream we heard. I am so incredably proud of her for being so strong through all this.
It is pretty amazing how she is 4 years younger yet SO much more grown that I will ever be. She will be an amazing mother because she is already so in love with him.
I have never been one to see myself having children/marriage anytime in the near future but I think I get it now. It is really touching how in love they are and how they created this little piece of themselves to raise together. It started out as a "mistake" but now I realize it was a gift from God. He knows what he is doing. Our family has been through so much but now it just seems everything makes sense. I have never seen my father so happy/excited. Nothing else matters anymore. Just this beautiful little boy.
Come on home, Ryan.
♥

1:18 PM

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December 24, 2008 - Wednesday

slow down.

The greatest freedom is believing in yourself.

*warning, the following blog is completely all over the place and will make no sense to you, much like my state of mind at the time of writing it;

(The only thing I miss about Silky's and Beale St. was the constant chaos/entertainment). I have de-toxed from the lifestyle I pretended to be good at. At least I know I never want to completely lose myself again. Yes, I like to party. I like to drink its no secret, I occasionally do stupid things because I am young. BUT when it becomes ALL I care about, I care enough to take a step back.

Everything is becoming clear again and its really fucking scary but I know I can do it. FIRST STEP. Granted, I am drinking as I type this, (less than a shot of my fathers whiskey)Sometimes the anger I feel for him for giving me this gene/ drinking so much himself makes me rationalize stealing from him.(to you, it might as well just be Novocain. Time to numb the pain , right? you keep your bottle up in the medicine cabinet next to the aspirin, do you not ever find that funny?)

why hide it when you can't hide it from yourself

I just realized , I really like girls that dislike guys as much as I secretly do. It makes me happy to see girls turn down guys that act shocked and appalled that not everyone buys into there bullshit. To clarify, I love men, in general but I only respect the ones that are not trying to do me.It gets really old, not knowing what someone's true intentions are, or knowing but having to pretend you don't and play along. I USE boys . Only the ones that are in fact just boys. "your just a little boy, think you're so cute, so coy, you must talk so big to make up for smaller things".I am kidding myself if I say I want to settle down.I am so in awe of the people my age that are married/have children already. And they say I'm crazy, really people? We are YOUNG. I hate when someone turns 25 and says , oh I'm getting so old. Shut the fuck up. Wake up. Or slow down, breathe.Maybe if we weren't all in such a hurry all the time we could enjoy what we have. If we aren't always trying to get somewhere else , fast we will enjoy where we are.

Just a thought.I also think that sometimes I am the most self aware person I know. &thats sad.- "when we are young we get sad and we get highhhhh"

December 18, 2008 - Thursday

always the actress.
Current mood:

animated

want words to flow through me with no effort.

maybe as the sleeping pill kicks in my inhibitions will run out the door.

i want so badly to be honest with myself, with the world.

not that the world reads my simple little myspace blogs, but someone does.
i am sure of it.

someone, somewhere secretly cares.
there are a lot that publicly care but that doesn't seem to be enough huh?

i seem to want it all.
i want to be the center of everything , for no real reason.

i realize this is completely ridiculous.
i used to love the spotlight though.
until one day , something snapped. after some number of years i just disappeared inside myself .
like a turtle in its shell. i hid. i wanted to disappear. i didn't want to be seen anymore. i was sick of the attention.

well years later i have come to the conclusion that i will never escape from that little girl . that happy little, carefree, curly sue who could turn heads even at the age of 5. i used to sing, i used to dance , i used to TRY to bring smiles to those who needed it the most. that was my thing .

i USED to think i would grow up and move to NYC and become an actress.I wanted to be on Broadway. I really believed it was just that easy. My dreams have slightly shifted . to say the least. Nowadays being famous is such a pain in the ass. It has lost all meaning. You can be famous by doing ABSOLUTLY nothing. I mean , what has the world come to , just turn on your tv . Who is buying this shit? How stupid/ braindead/out of TOUCH with reality are we? how ironic that "reality tv" is the furthest from reality you can get. Wow.

I would love to be someone like Scarlett Johnanson or Natalie Portman who just does their thing, making good films and staying out of the tabloid bullshit. I couldn't deal with that. Working on Beale st. was bad enough, a bunch of people who have NO lives making up yours for you.
It was funny, until I started to take it personally. I am far too sensitive for all of that mess.

So point being. I finally feel like myself again. I am not afraid to be who i KNOW i am, who i have been hiding behind booze and pills and act after act, scene after scene , for too long.

oh , the drama

=)
one day,
soon enough.

October 20, 2008 - Monday

to those that apply:
Current mood:

contemplative

I always have good intentions. I also would love to stop only expressing my true feelings when intoxicated.I'm not sure when I forgot how to just be normal. Maybe I'll never be normal , maybe that would be far too boring

'so afraid of getting bored, she's always running from something, so many things ignored'that has been my theme song for a bit too long. time for a new theme.I can be beautiful minus the disaster.

Someone once told me that I am chaos and he likes that.I never want to change myself for anyone else but I also can't figure out why a certain someone seems to bring out the crazy non sensical side of me.I can be dramatic but usually just in a fun away.Life is a stage, ya know.

I shouldn't be allowed access to my phone or the internet when I have had five too many. I can't keep my mouth shut.What I do like about myself is I am completely aware of all my weaknesses. I am ok with my insecurities. They are what make me real.I can not stand the way some , one person in specific tries so incredibly hard ALL the time. You don't have to hide any part of yourself to be accepted. THAT is what makes you a liar . THAT is why nothing will ever work the way you want it to.Just let go , be yourself. Its OK to not be perfect . We are all only human.

I'm also starting to realize my biggest issue is only fear, fear of falling for someone knowing that they could completely destroy me. That is something everyone has to get passed though, right?Always thinking too much.One little comment can change everything, it's always that way. I dwell on something so much that I completely destroy it. I do everything that I tell myself I won't do. And then I write blogs......

Jun. 12th, 2009

2:20 AM

February 17, 2009 - Tuesday

Today
Current mood:

contemplative
Category: Religion and Philosophy

I met a guy named Chico. He told me I must have just come from Vegas because I look just like Beyonce. I agreed. Ha. But really sometimes the friendliest folks I meet are the crazy ones. He informed me that we all need to look out for each other here, no matter if we are black or white. I agreed again.

7:11 PM

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February 13, 2009 - Friday

Jesus is my new BFF
Current mood:

selective

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone I could save
If they don't put me away
Well, it'll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out
That everything good is happening somewhere else?
But with nobody in your bed
The night's hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won't know anyone

Well Jesus Christ, I'm alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Cause this problem's gonna last more than the weekend.

I think of Jesus as more of a character I've read about in a book. A really good book I loved as a child, similar to Chronicles of Narnia. I have nothing against Christianity I just don't understand most of the people that CLAIM to be "Christians" I usually find them to be far to judgemental for their own good. It is way resticting too only have one belief and most of the time not even stop think about what it is you actually believe.That being said, I do believe in a God. I have had moments that made me full aware we are not alone. I know there is something much bigger and better than me.

I think he created a beautilful world and sort of got bored and wanted to do a science experiment. So he made earth,gave it life then threwn in a bizzilion little creatures , some to whom he would give the gift of free-thinking and a big enough brain capacity to create more life for ourselves and evolve.( as oppossed to animals and what not who have remained pretty much the same since creation) then he sat back and took a seat. The rest is up to us.

I kind of believe he keeps us around as long as we are entertaining. NEVER get boring.Maybe this is why old people naturally just kick the bucket sometimes. They were no longer fun for anyone.

"Jesus Christ I'm not scared to die, I'm scared of what comes after, do I get the gold chariot?"

Lets hope so.

11:41 PM

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February 13, 2009 - Friday

EARTH TO BELLA
Current mood:

hot
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I have decided I am going to have a daughter and name her Bella. Soon. (ish)

3:07 AM

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February 13, 2009 - Friday

“Joaquin, I’m sorry you couldn’t be here tonight.”
Current mood:

curious
Category: News and Politics

Joaquin Phoneix is so brilliant.He does have the media in the palm of his hand right now. Half of the public thinks he is super fucked up and the half assumes he has just lost it. I get the joke, he is just

2:35 AM

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February 12, 2009 - Thursday

When did this happen?

I am becoming very consumed with love lately. It's weirding me out. Not fake ,buy you flowers and take you to movies because your'e cute type of love but REAL emotions.The kind of love that drives you absolutly crazy but you can't live without it. That is what I miss. "It would be more...prudent for you not to be my friend ," he explained."But I am tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella."I starting reading Twilight.I want to have vampire babies with Edward Cullen and I am not afraid to admit how incredably lame that makes me. I have turned into a 12 year old girl.

February 6, 2009 - Friday

25
Current mood:

enlightened

I am sick of taking things so seriously. I spend more time thinking and talking about my life than I do living it. When I was younger I swore I knew it all . Had it all figured out. Now I know I never will. Its a learning process, it never ends. I put too much focus on answers, getting to the bottom of things when in reality the unknown is SO much more thilling. I am going to stop with the questions. I live my life one day at a time. I used to think by 25 I would be married, with kids. Then I stepped into the real world. I have realized this is not my dream. It never was. One day, not too far from now I will be 25 and although I think that it a reasonable age to generally have my shit together, it does not mean I have to settle. And that makes me happy. Nothing is EVER what it should be, it just IS what it IS.

[Live & Let Live]

1:03 AM

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February 4, 2009 - Wednesday

Not a blog about Britney Spears.
Category: Romance and Relationships

Somebody needs to find their way to me soon. Somebody that makes sense to me, preferably. I am not bored or lonely or seeking my "other half". I have realized you have to be completly whole & happy on your own before you can be in a healthy relationship. I am not sure I am ready to completely settle but I would like to meet someone to make me test out that theroy. I want a hot, creative boy that doesnt shower often or care what anyone thinks. Thats not asking much. I am writing this on my phone as i pass out.Night

Jun. 12th, 2009

2:16 AM

March 16, 2009 - Monday

I am what I am
Current mood:

jealous
Category: Parties and Nightlife

I do what I want. But I wont go I ,wont sleep , I cant be until your resting here with me. I dont wanna call my friends they might wake me from this dream. Oh I am what I am, Ill do what I like .. I wont go, I wont hide . - sarah mclachlan. Sometimes I wish I could trade myself in for someone who didnt feel so deeply. Who didnt cling to every moment like there was nothing else. . But you know what , theres really not. This is now and this is all we have.

12:06 AM

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March 7, 2009 - Saturday

"You should be careful what you wish for..
Current mood:

drained
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

'cause everyone of us has a devil inside" - Incubus

5:39 PM

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March 3, 2009 - Tuesday

fire fire fire
Current mood:

high

My sister and her fiance have a fire going in the fireplace.
I love the way fire smells.
mmmmmmm
It smells like Christmas. Except its March.

May will be here soon enough though and then everyone will be complaining about the heat. So we might as well enjoy where we are now.
[[ I am excited for Thursday to hear the Musicfest line-up , every year I continue to hold out hope that it will be really amazing]]

I also quit smoking cigarettes 10 days ago .. I did'nt think it would be this difficult .. blah. its like losing a best friend.
February 28, 2009 - Saturday

[s.e.x]
Current mood:  curious
Category: News and Politics

"So later that night I got to thinking about relationships..." I have been questioning something known as "hate sex" . How is it that you can have a fabulous time with someone you cant even stand outside of your bedroom.All of my most memorable nights with guys are with those I could never actually date because we would drive each other insane .Its a strange phenomenon. But I dont see it changing anytime soon. (Maybe I over share for myspace.)

9:14 PM

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February 27, 2009 - Friday

;alkdjf;alsdkjf
Current mood:i need a prescription for Ambien.
Category: Food and Restaurants

I am usually thankful nobody reads these. I write because I feel like I have to. Like if I don't I am wasting some part of me. Sometimes, well a lot of the time I write when I am drinking. Like most (real) writers. " we are drinkers, with a writing problem" I read that somewhere. Sometimes I get too intoxicated ( although in my mind if I am still typing / talking I am fine) but I get TOO honest. Honest to the point where it could only hurt me. Honest enough to realize how crazy I am really am . I am in this strange little world inside my own head most of the time where nobody else has anyone clue. I send out SO many subliminal messages but forget most people don't live like I do. So these messages are lost in space. At this moment in time I am grossed out by some people who in my mind I held to much higher standerds but now realize I was wasting time. Thats what I seem to be best at . being wasted and wasting time. if only I could make that a career. I dislike guys. Or at least the ones I know. The ones I secretly think are way better than they realize. And secretly hope they will grow up and see past all the bullshit. THEN i remember, men are shallow. and not always so bright. and definatly NOT so caring. so I will just continue on my silly mission . and hope to one day find it in me to let my feelings go and be as cold and empty as the rest of you . Wait, no I don't.

4:37 AM

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February 27, 2009 - Friday

Coke ( a cola)
Current mood:  angry
Category: Life

Sometimes it hurts me when people I care about dont care about themselves as much. I want to grab them and shake them and scream. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. addiction is addiction. Ive been there. Trust me. But some certain things grab you harder. Some demons are harder to fight. They are stronger and once you agree to go to battle well I PRAY you know what your up against. Just know I believe you are better. YOU. just you. I just wish you could see what I see. I wish I didnt care about the wrong people.....

3:03 AM

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February 23, 2009 - Monday

sunshine.
Current mood:  optimistic
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Fuck. I had some nice happy lyrics here about blah nevermind. I tried to edit on my phone and poof gone. Now I have to think coherent thoughts. Or not. I am missing people who do not deserve to be missed. They left. They quit me. Like a bad drug habit. Cold turkey. Done. And you wonder why I dont trust easily? I am just now begining to trust myself and make positive choices for me again. I quit smoking. And stuck to my new years resolution of avoiding interactions with assholes. So far, so good. Xo

Currently listening:
Wonders of the World
By Long Beach Dub Allstars
Release date: 2001-09-11

12:04 AM

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February 22, 2009 - Sunday

Maybe
Current mood:  awake
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Youre the same as me. We see things theyll never see. You and I are gonna live forever. -Oasis

Jun. 12th, 2009

2:13 AM

March 28, 2009 - Saturday

Green Eggs & Ham.
Current mood:

sleepy
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Whiskey. Carrie Bradshaw.Basketball.Loss.Disapointment. DJs. Hueys. Memphis. Love. Fear. Chance. Worry. Caring. Cocaine. Stupid . Liar. Exhausted. Jealousy. Envy. Confusion. Lust. Sex . Travel. World . Run.Magic. Love. Insomnia. Whiskey.

2:09 AM

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March 27, 2009 - Friday

"Meet me in outer space?"
Current mood:

exhausted
Category: Life

"We are alone, the world is not our home,
we breathe the air, we care,
We feel the pain, we cannot explain,
there are no words to be heard.
A child's face is lost in outer space,
his eyes are red, in our heads.
We move along, we are pretty strong,
we breathe the air, we [don't] care."

My words are still not my own. Music is the only sound I hear lately. Music and the sound of your voice. Your voice saying everything I want to hear but will never truly believe. I wish everyone could see themselves the same way I see them. I try my very best to see the good in everyone. We are all made up of two parts, who you are and who you WANT to be. Sometimes when you spend too much time being the person that you despise, things fall apart. You don't see it, you know you are not happy but you don't know why. Ease up a little, at least you are aware that things are'nt what they should be. That you are worth SO much more and could be doing so much better. But then again, thats all of us. Nobody is all that special. With the exception of someone that you may be falling for, then they are very unique. Even when they are not all that different, in your eyes, they could do no wrong. It's funny is'nt it? We care.

Currently listening:
Oracular Spectacular
By MGMT
Release date: 2008-01-22

5:41 PM

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March 21, 2009 - Saturday

Just for the record
Current mood:

animated
Category: Life

Yes I like to drink, get over it. I will always enjoy a strong glass of bourbon. It is a part of who I am. Call me what you wish, "I am who I am, I do what I want." I have so much love for the friends in my life who have never tried to tell me I should do things differently. ( spend a day inside my head, look at the world through my eyes and see if you feel maybe just a bit more understanding.) It is one thing to look out for someone but a completely different thing to insult my intellegence by assuming I have no control over my life. I like to think that having a good time and entertaining others is a talent of mine. No this may not be the most remarkable quality in a person but I strongly believe in the power of YOUTH. It will not last forever so quit taking yourselves so seriously . Life is not a race. Why hurry the future when you have the present? Maybe to me extreme responsibitly such as marriage/children is just not something I want to be ready for anytime soon.Society will never make sense to me. I do feel that life is about those you can find to love but I fall in and out of love everyday..sometimes with perfect strangers. To say I have already met the person I want to spend the REST of my life with is a little bit scary. Its a big world, with SO much to see and do. I have places to go , people to meet. I just want to experience it all. Then I can say I am ready to "settle down."

I will add I have grown up in so many ways in the past few years and learned some lessons the hard way but SO very, very thankful for every mistake I have made. My strength will always amaze me.I am sorry if this seems directed at anyone specific, it is not. It is just something that has been on my mind. I want everyone to know I have a huge heart and even though I keep myself guarded most of the time it does not mean I don't care. In fact, most of the time I care way too fucking much. I will never judge you, for any reason. Race, background, income, lifestyle so please give me the same respect.

here are some words I try to live by- "Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. "

"Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. "
Do one thing everyday that scares you. Sing. Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours.

"Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. "
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t"
"what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. . ."

Jun. 12th, 2009

2:10 AM

June 3, 2009 - Wednesday

this little light of mine
Current mood:

hopeful
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

6:13 PM

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May 14, 2009 - Thursday

+ one.
Current mood:

artistic

Kind of loving this cover of Lollipop on my profile.
I REALLY love when rock bands cover rap/pop songs.
I also really love Nicky Sixx lately.
I guess I have a thing for recovering heroin addicts.
No , thats weird.
But I do try to understand, without ever having to touch a needle [ew]
I do have a thing for one recovering addict that is more than I could ever ask for.
I don't even know what I am doing anymore.
I barely remember my own name.
And I like it that way.
I'm sure there are some, those that knew him before that wonder how I could take such a chance on him.
How do you give your heart to someone that is known to be self-destructive on an extreme level. He did'nt mess around. Cocaine was like candy to him, he skipped all of that and just went for it.
We will never be able to be normal and go out for drinks, socially.

He can't drink.
I am choosing not to seeing as how I like it too much and end up with nothing else.
But for me, its not life or death.
It wont lead me to the places he has been.
I know its different now though. He found God, found himself, found me.
I have this thing, this June Carter like quality. [ I would be honored to take after her , actually ]
I've always been attracted to what others would consider to be really damaged people.
And I have this gift, I can see through it.
I can see through the anger, the drugs, the booze, the walls they've built up so high around them. I know how to climb over those walls to the lonely scared person trapped on the other side.
He is my Johnny Cash.
I told him in the begining that theres this song about the two of them that I love.
That I've always dreamt of that, having a love like them.
He told me to just stick around him and maybe it will happen : )
He tells me I am the best thing to ever happen to him.
I tell him then I just kinda feel sorry for you. ha
But secretly, I love it.
I love him.

~~Why am I writing about such heavy matters on myspace?~~
Maybe I just don't care anymore.
this is my reality.
this is what is REAL to ME.
It's really all I've ever wanted.
I can see my future with him.
We have goals, dreams, plans.
All things that used to frighten me, along with commitment.
All of those fears have faded.
thank you.

I'm going to stop now. I know that this is really just for me. I just never want to stop writing, even if there is never anyone to read it. It's my only form self expression. I can't draw, I can't sing, I can't play instruments, I just write.

xo

3:25 AM

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May 13, 2009 - Wednesday

For the thrill of it.
Current mood:

creative

/hello myspace. I have not written a blog in over a month so I figured maybe I should. I really love this song, Walking on a Dream. "We are always running , for the thrill it, always pushing up the hill, searching, for the thrill of it."

It has such a unique sound, feel to it . That is why I seem to be missing in my life most of the time, unique-ness . It seems like everything has already been said, been done. We are re-making movies, covering songs, stealing other peoples art. I guess thats just how it goes though. I used to worry about the next generation of kids, my children. What kind of world are they going to live in. In some ways it seems that everything has completely fallen apart but then every so often I am given a new surge of hope and inspiration. There are just as many people who want to fight for good in this world as there are those that want to destroy it. Thats re-assuring.

Sobriety has been a challenge because I have realized that alcohol was not the problem, the problem was me. You take away the booze and I'm still here. Sure when I was drinking everyday I lost everything; my car, my job, my apartment, my friends, the respect of my peers and family and myself, oh and one kitten, Laya (r.i.p)
Yet I did not seem to care. As long as I knew I would have a way to get to the bar to visit my "friends" the bartenders, then I was content. When I was lost in that world I could'nt see anything else. So thank God I finally saw the light because where drinking may not have been the problem it was sure as hell not the solution. All I really need is the strength to be honest with myself and others , no matter what. I never knew how to do this.

Everything has changed in my world in the past couple monthes , yet so much has stayed the same. I will never get too far from myself no matter how hard I try so I might as well start to enjoy my own company. Why is that so difficult for so many of us? To just live with a sense of peace. No matter how bad we may mess things up, it's always in our power to turn them back around . I know I have a long way to go, but I am only 23. And really, it does'nt matter if you are 99. Every day is a new day, and thats the beauty of it .

Currently listening:
Walking on a Dream
By Empire of the Sun
Release date: 2009-04-21

10:10 PM

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April 8, 2009 - Wednesday

Denial.
Current mood:

determined

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it? "

11:21 PM

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March 21, 2009 - Saturday

Ahem......
Current mood:

smitten

Just to let the general internet world know... if you happen to care about me and want to make me very happy this is all it requires......

This little chub-chub bundle of joy makes me smile.No, really , Pugs are the best . They snort like lil pigs and can form words when they bark. Plus they are cuddly and super strange just like me. My new mission in life has been formed. I will do whatever it takes .♥

3:11 AM

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